After 18 years together, we’ve decided to call it quits. It’s mostly me, but I am sure deep down she agrees it’s the best thing, and is a bit relieved. The tension and disagreements we’ve been having the past few years have to be wearing on her as they are on me.
I know for many of you, this will come as a surprise, but for others it may not be at all. We’ve been struggling of late to find any common ground, and I am thinking we’ve reached the point where our differences have become irreconcilable. We just can’t live with each other anymore, and I don’t see either one of us changing that drastically.
She has also been cheating on me for years, and I just can’t take her infidelity any more. But in truth, in her eyes, I haven’t been entirely faithful myself. I guess we are both hurting each other that way.
I’ve tried to make it work…tried my damndest…but she isn’t willing to accept me for who I am. She demands I change my very core, and deny who I am just to be with her. In truth, she’s tolerated my personality and idiosyncrasies for years, and would never admit out loud that they profoundly affect our relationship in a negative way, but they do.
She’s controlling, manipulative, and just plain nasty at times. She tells me who my friends can be, where I can go, and how I should feel about the important things in life…personal things…that are none of her blasted business.
She’s also a hypocrite. Her “public” appearance is just a façade and a lie. She comes off as loving, kind, warm, and welcoming…but in truth, as soon as people are out the door, she rips them apart.
Don’t get me wrong though, there were some good times, and I met some amazing people because of our relationship. I hope those friendships will continue once we separate…but I know many of them won’t. I think it would be just too awkward for many people to keep in contact with me. I’ll mourn the loss of those people in my life, but I know my true friends will walk with me through this.
I think the hardest part for me will be trying to figure out who I am without her. We’ve been together nearly all of my adult life…since I was 19…and I’ve derived a lot my personal identity from our relationship.
Not to mention all of the money I’ve sunk into our relationship, and the crushing debt it’s produced. I don’t think I will ever be fully divorced from her financially…she kind of ruined that part of my life.
I’ll miss her at times, but I think at the end of the day, we’re better off going in our separate directions. We’ve been drifting….and at times running…in separate directions since pretty much the beginning of our relationship. This is really a formality in many ways.
I hope the kids will adapt…I’m sure they will eventually. It will be hard, but I really have not liked the affect she’s had on them over the years. I am kind of looking forward to getting them away from her influence. I believe they will be better people in the long run with us no longer together.
So with all that in mind…and a lot more unsaid…I’d like you to be aware that Pam and I are separating from the church.
We just don’t fit anymore…if we ever did…and I can’t pretend to any more. I tagged people who have been a significant influence in my spiritual life or who are walking through this with me now, and please understand this is no reflection on you John, or Bruce or any of the others who have been mentors and friends to me over the years.
It is really the culture and community we can’t take any more. We don’t want to be separated from the world, and the church specializes in this. I cannot stand how much of the church…the Evangelical side of it mostly…has more influence from hard line Republican Tea Party like politics that value money more than people, then the actual teachings and life of Jesus.
I also can’t stand idly by while the lion’s share of the church casts out the LGBTQ community. Their rights are this generation’s civil rights movement and test. The church has a horrible record with gender and racial equality in previous generations, and it’s even worse with sexual orientation equality now. I just cannot attach myself to those who cast out the outcasts. Don’t be deceived, history will record the Church alongside the KKK, George Wallace, and those who opposed Suffrage. They will be the villains opposing equal rights…not noble crusaders defending what they believe.
I may not be a hero, but I refuse to be a villain.
The church is the popular kids in high school picking on the artists for being different. This is NOT what Jesus intended, and I cannot be a part of that anymore.
So yeah, I’m kind of bitter, but to be clear, it’s at the institutions of the church, not the people who make up the community. I love and cherish the people we’ve met through our journey through the church, and I’ve made some real lifelong friends that I know will never abandon me despite my mad rantings. The people are really what make up the church not the ideas or structures that oppress. There are some amazing people trying to make a difference in the world through the church, and I am honored to know and have served alongside them. Many of my friends are some of the best parts of the church.
I have nothing but respect and admiration for those who choose to stay and try to change things. I hope you are successful, I really do, but I don’t have the energy or drive to do the same. I know the arc of history bends towards justice, and I look forward to that day…but I doubt I will live long enough to see it.
It isn’t my friends…no, it’s all the rest of the crap I just can’t take anymore. If I could return my MDiv for a refund…even a partial…I’d do it in a heartbeat, for example.
My relationship with Pam has never been stronger, deeper, and closer. I can’t imagine that is a coincidence since we have drifted apart from the church. We’ve been part of some amazing communities, but…to paraphrase Bono…still haven’t found what we were looking for.
I’m sorry to all those who I have disappointed…and I know I have. I’m sorry that the potential you saw in me was never fully realized, and never will be.
We need to move on though. Will we ever return? I don’t know…but if we do, it won’t be to the Evangelical side for sure. So what does this mean for my faith and what I believe? I honestly don’t know. I know what I believe about God and the message of Jesus, and in many ways that is why I can’t stay in the church.
I just don’t see them as being consistent with each other, and I don’t want to be a part of it anymore.
*sigh*
I need to go test some software now, thanks for reading and being part of my life in whatever capacity you are.
This post courtesy of Outlaw Preacher Jason Douros
Jason, I have felt this same pain and I understand how hard this decision was for you, and will continue to be…for awhile. At first you will feel rudderless, ambivalent about your decision. It is sad when your conviction pulls you from the true north of your familiar moral compass, yet it is liberating to know that you are setting your course with your eyes fixed firmly on the Son. My best wishes to you and your wife in this next phase of your journey.
If it is genuinely for the best, may you both get on about your separate lives.
I could have written this myself. I gave up on the church for many years, and for the same reasons. Finally, I was introduced to Quakers by the most delightful, gentle, and loving woman I’ve ever met. It was finally comfortable, like coming home. No contrived dogma. No gatekeepers. No exclusions. No capitalist hypocrisy. Just a simple, direct connection to Christ and His past and present teachings. Integrity, simplicity, and authenticity are present in abundance. Please consider it.
L.O.V.E.
I think what the author is writing about is pervasive in all Religion, not only Evangelical circles. I am seeing a movement, a strong movement towards people navigating away from strong theological dogmatic Religion back to the primitive relationship with Christ and the pure following of his Way of Life without of of the entanglements of the political-ness of the Institutional Church. I couldn’t be happier. The author will find there are lots and lots of us who are waiting with open arms, warm and tender hearts, and bountiful abiding love who are learning what it means to share in the purity of “Community” without walls that serve only to exclude. This kind of Community, the kind Jesus has always wanted us to live in, the kind of the “living sacrament”, lives and breathes to include any and all of God’s creation, no exceptions. It’s a place where all beings are learning to live in harmony with one another, step by baby step.
As a Christian reading your words, I say, Amen Brother! Well said.”
I read this with tears in my eyes…for I am one of the LGBTQ community that has been cast aside by the church. Unwanted by them, yet desperately trying to cling to my faith, I am slowly removing the shackles of organized religion from my life. It’s scary, because now I have no rules on practicing my faith. It’s liberating yet confusing. But, enough about me. Congratulations on stepping out of a group that uses it’s “beliefs” to shred those who believe differently.
Jason: I have walked this path and continue to seek. God is with you in your travels and you ARE the church – walls do not define us. Courage and blessings for your decision as a family as you are lead from prejudice towards truth; away form hatred and cruelty towards the love of God. Peace.
I understand. I have felt the same way for many years, decades and left the church in the 1980′s because of it. I recently returned for a variety of reasons and my church just got a new pastor that started things off with a bang by teaching “The UnChristian”. He has made brains explode talking about loving and accepting gays, that democrats are Christians too, and that he voted for Obama. It is amazing, I am finally not alone and feel that I actually belong for the first time in 30 years. I hope you find the same and will pray for you in the meantimg.
I belong to an ELCA church in Michigan and I don’t see a lot of the stuff going on that I did when I was in a more “evangelical” church. But the hypocrosy of those who call themselves Christian and yet embrace the Ayn Rand inspired ideas of the tea party gets to me too at times.
If you were leaving my church, I would implore you not to go, because we need all the open minds we can get. The “Tea Party” influence comes in from the bottom and leaks through cracks; we live in a VERY conservative community. The leadership is good, but it feels a little like one of those movie sword fighting scenes in which the heroes are standing back-to-back and are surrounded. We’ve got to stick together!
I do hope you find a place, for other Christians’ sake as well as your own.
(another plug: try ELCA.)
I know the feeling of coming home! After leaving the church I attended for many years. For simalar reasons, that are mentioned in this article. It was a church of people that were shepherd’ed by a man, a man of this world, with worldly visions. I found that I needed a Church Sepherd’ed by God the Father, Christ Jesus our Lord and the Holy Spirit the Comfortor. I needed much more! The thing that was missing was a Devine Interaction with the Holy Deity. The Holy Communion…where the Focus is on Jesus Christ our Lord.
I knew I had come home the minute I walked through the doors.
Pla-ease. . . GLBT? You think the GLBT “community” is morally superior to the Evangelical Christian community? More charitable? More willing to forgive? More tolerant of those whom they disagree with? Less Greedy? No way to do this topic justice in little text bits, so you’re safe from having to defend the premises you seem to think everyone should agree with. Plus you ignore easily available statstical data to show that, in spite of the incessant bad press, Evangelical Christians as a whole behave pretty well . As you read this, Christians are feeding, clothing, and providing medical care for millions. No other “community” comes close. Sorry we can’t follow those who ignore the easily understood claims of Jesus, but you’re always allowed to follow the crowd who hates the very idea of a narrow gate.
Thanks guys and gals for the comments and feedback…I greatly appreciate them, it’s always good to know you are not alone in the world.
I find myself in an odd quandary though. I found faith late in life (18ish) and in a non-denominational community church. Before that I went to a Methodist church like 3 times…hated every minute of it. Hard wooden pews, horrible music, boring sermons…the whole nine yards. So, for all of my church life, we’ve been in communities that stylistically were more “contemporary”…i.e. suburban, conservative, and evangelical, but with a rock like groove in worship, comfortable seats, non traditional buildings, and engaging/entertaining sermons.
At this point in my life, I don’t at all resonate with the message, theology, and community of that style…hence the leaving. I do however resonate with the message and theology of the “Mainline” churches. Many of them track with what I believe. I visited a couple of UCC, Episcopal, and Lutheran churches and loved their message and faith statements.
Ah, but there’s the rub…I have NO connection to the worship at all. The liturgy…though powerful for some…does nothing for my soul. In truth, it makes me think and feel like I did in that Methodist church so many years ago…bored, frustrated, and just wanting it to end. Not a universal statement on that style…it is totally an internal thing for me.
I know, I know, worship isn’t the only thing to consider, but if the liturgy is what binds and unites a network of people, and I have no connection to it… then it makes it very hard to connect. Make sense?
So, here I am no longer feeling like I can be a part of one half of the church because of what they believe and say, yet I cannot make a connection with the half I do resonate with because of how they say it. I’m stuck on the banks trying to a find a stream to dive into.
It is quite frustrating.
I’m just weary of trying at this point…perhaps at a different point in my life, I won’t be…but for now…not so much.
I’m glad my words touched some of you…that means a lot to me.
Well, I was prompted to read your article by a friend who is greiving over the bride. I believe we are about to see the most dramatic change in what we call the church in centuries. The largest change will be that it will be led by her Husband, Jesus Christ and not by mans dogmas or ideology (sic). We have long abandoned the hope of this, letting others lead because … well for lots of reasons. What will the church led by Christ look like? I am not sure. I have a sense that there will be similarities, and there will be things that are so foreign to many of us that we will not recognize it as the Lord to start off. So, hold on my friends, there is hope!
I posted a link to your article on Facebook and got over 90 some comments. wow.
After pastoring in a churches for over 25 years I was burned over and over, and now don’t know what to do. Your words made me tear up and relate. But it is still a strange place to be. Once you see what is going on it kind of ruins it all. Now.. longing for the real I find myself feeling very alone. What to do? ugh. Thanks for being bold enough to post this. I appreciated it, even if others didn’t.
Rick
Rick, sometimes faith is just acting “as if”. I posted the article from a friend because i felt that many could relate, Judging by the reaction, I see that I was correct.
I hope that you find affirming and welcoming community.
Sad to say that your beef actually isn’t with the ‘church’ but with God. Have the courage to just admit that your through with The God of the Bible and stop blaming the ‘church’. Be honest with yourself and your readers. You simply find the God of the Bible who is intolerant of so many, kills thousands, including His own Son, and who sends millions to Hell incompatible with your present worldview. Why go through all of the verbal gymnastics to avoid what is really going on: YOU ARE BREAKING UP WITH THE CHRISTIAN GOD.
Good luck…